The Great Australian Rom-Com

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EUREKA. I’ve got it. I have the plot for next great Australian movie. It will be funnier than The Castle, sadder than Red Dog and more Aussie than Crocodile Dundee, Galipoli and a meat pie combined.

Anna (Jessica Marais) has had a crush on her colleague Steve (Daniel McPherson)  for three years but never had the courage to tell him. When Steve announces he will be leaving after their boss’ Australia Day barbecue, Anna realises it is now or never.

Meanwhile, Hamish (Andy Lee) and Andy (Hamish Blake) are driving down from the country so Hamish can finally meet @sweetsmile, a girl he has been chatting to on Twitter for the past six months. Hamish thinks she could be “The One” while Andy thinks she could be a 45-year-old man with no hair and a neck tattoo.

On the way they stop at a roadhouse in time to witness Lisa  (Jessica Mauboy) finally quit her dead end job as a cashier and move to the city to try her luck as a singer. Her dream is to sing a duet with Canadian crooner Michael Buble (Michael Buble), who has been booked to sing in Perth in a few days time.

As all this happens paramedic Bruce (Hugh Jackman) is trying to patch things up with wife Sharon (Lisa McCune) and son Jaxon (the annoying kid from the Slap). Sharon says Bruce cares more about helping strangers than looking after his own family.

In the house next door lives Aaron (Toadie from Neighbours) and Lauren (That girl from that show that looks like Packed to the Rafters but isn’t) have been living together for seven years. On July 26 the previous year, Lauren gave an Aaron an ultimatum, propose in six months or she moves out.

Also starring Ernie Dingo as a wise yet mysterious stranger and Rebecca Gibney as the popular and respected Prime Minister (remember, this is a work of fiction), the film’s plots all come together during the Australia Day fireworks on the South Perth foreshore.

Actually, this isn’t just a great Australian film. This is a brilliant film full stop. Now I just need to chose a name. I’ve narrowed it down to Australia Day or The Girl with the Southern Cross Tattoo, in order to lure in overseas crowds.

Either way, I can’t lose. I’d like to thank the Academy . . .

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