Don’t ask me, I’m just an audience member

Okay, so I can handle most of the annoyances of going to the movies. The children, the coughing, Shia LaBeouf’s continuing career. I don’t particularly like any of them but I unwrap another Fantale and keep my opinions to myself.

However, there is one trait I find so annoying I am forced to abandon any pretence of civility and make my feelings known.

Some people have managed to make it to adulthood without understanding the basic concept of a linear narrative, that anything introduced in the beginning of a story will be resolved by the end.

To put it simpler: when a character does something, be it killing another character or attempting to free a whale or whatever, their motives will become clear throughout the course of the film so there is no need to ask me “why did he do that?” so SHUT UP AND LET ME WATCH THE EXPENDABLES IN PEACE!

If they want hear the plot of the movie second hand rather than watch it unfold on the big screen then surely a better option would be to hang around cinema foyers and quiz exiting patrons. It saves money on the ticket and the increasingly gargantuan buckets of popcorn they are selling.

I can help by providing summations of already released films. Titanic: It sinks. ET: He goes home. Any film directed by Michael Bay ever: Something explodes and he gets the girl.

Were these people like this as children? Did they constantly interrupt bedtime stories by asking “what happened when the three bears came home?”

Things were better during the silent era. Those movies were shorter and there was no dialogue to distract the narratively challenged or those with short attention spans.

It all went downhill when the world’s first talkie was released in 1927. The reason Al Jolson spoke those immortal words “You ain’t heard nothing yet” was because half the audience would have whispered “what did he just say?” to the person sitting next to them.

This phenomenon probably explains why Kath & Kimderella topped the Australian box office this month. There were no annoyances like a plot to confuse people, just a series of unconnected scenes involving suburban foxymorons. Look, Magda Szubanski is stuck in the closet. Comedy gold.

I briefly felt sorry for these people when I heard Darren Aronofsky and Russell Crowe were making the Biblical epic Noah.

God’s ways are mysterious even to those who have devoted their life to Him. It will be even worse for someone who gets confused by Ice Age 4.

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