Predictions for the Western Australian election

February 7: Fly-in, fly-out candidate Brendon Grylls misses his campaign launch for the seat of Pilbara after accidentally boarding a flight to Bali. “The cabin was full of cashed-up bogans so I assumed we were flying to Port Hedland,” Grylls tells reporters.

Adele-1February 12: When both the Greens and Labor refuse to preference Adele Carles in the seat of Fremantle, she announces her immediate withdrawal from the campaign in order to work on a debut album. 44 is  a smash hit and Adele is chosen to sing the theme song in the latest instalment of the Alvin Purple franchise.

February 16: Bob Katter’s Australia Party’s first ever campaign event in WA is deemed a success once ballistics prove the bullet that grazed the candidate for the seat of Darling Range was the same one she fired into the air moments earlier.  A similar rally organised by One Nation draws a disappointing crowd when it is inadvertently scheduled on the same night as Gardening Australia. 

February 20: Colin Barnett reveals James Packer has agreed to provide $5 million in funding for the new football stadium at Burswood. In return, ScreenWest  will develop a mini series about the six hours Kerry Packer spent at Perth airport when his private jet was delayed en route to Singapore. Pete Rowsthorn is slated to star while Tasma Walton will play a quirky flight attendant who strikes up an unlikely friendship with Australia’s richest man.

February 25: Gina Rinehart releases her latest political manifesto in the form of a sonnet titled Shall I Compare Thee To An African Worker? A planned follow up is cancelled when Mrs Rinehart fails to think of a rhyme for “hematite ore production”.

March 1: Mark McGowan targets the hipster demographic with the announcement of a rail line that links the Astor, the Brisbane Hotel, Urban Records and every shop that  sells quinoa. Colin Barnett tries a similar strategy in his western suburbs constituency with an express service from the Blue Duck cafe directly to Dunsborough.

March 4: The last week of the campaign begins with a media blitz from all sides of politics. Mark McGowan talks to the West Australian and the Sunday Times, Greens leader Giz Watson is interviewed on the ABC and Troy Buswell puts an ad in the Quokka for a set of mint condition Emu Export coasters.

March 6: A group of  Federal Liberal MPs travel to WA  for a final campaign push on behalf of the State Government. The move backfires when Senator Cory Bernardi refuses to attend the Wagin Woolorama due to the event’s support of animal husbandry.

March 8: A report on Channel 7 reveals 10 per cent of the electorate are unaware polling day is tomorrow. “I thought Julia Gillard said the election was in September,” said Hillarys resident Heather Soames. When asked to pick a winner Ms Soames said all the couples were very talented but Jake and Ellie were clearly Manu’s favourite.

March 9: In his victory speech, Colin Barnett rebuts suggestions he is an imperial, autocratic leader. He finishes with “Veni, Vidi, Vici Vermini” (I came, I saw, I kicked that little rat’s arse all the way back to Rockingham) before being borne aloft on a sedan chair to oversee the construction of the Colossus of Cottesloe.

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