Less than a year ago I wrote the ALP’s only chance of winning the election hinged on an Arthurian comeback by Kim Beazley.
Since then the situation has got much, much worse. It would take Curtin rising from the grave to run on a joint ticket with a mechanically augmented Whitlam to just maintain the seats the ALP currently hold.
To be fair, the government has been dealing with the grief of certain defeat tolerably well.
They’ve been through denial (claiming they can deliver a budget surplus), anger (Gillard’s white hot rage for “misogynist” Tony Abbott) and bargaining (vote for us and we’ll put an Aborigine in Parliament) in the lead up to their current status of depression (voluntarily leaving Kirribilli to stay at a Rooty Hill motel for a week).
All that leaves in the final stage of acceptance. Labor needs to accept the fact they are going to lose. Actually, they should do more than accept it, they should embrace their impending doom.
With absolutely nothing to lose, there has never been a better time for Julia Gillard and company to emulate American hardcore metal band Suicide Silence and “go fucking nuts”.
Don’t just reference Bruce Springsteen in a speech, pull a female journalist from the press pack and dance with her on stage.
I saw Bob Brown on 7.30 last night wearing a pirate shirt, why should he have all the fun?
Instead of seeking to appeal to the soft left of inner city Greens voters, the ALP could go hard left and actually abolish private property. Bob Hawke is already half pickled so lets pump him full of formaldehyde and display him at Parliament House.
Forget making gay marriage simply legal, deem it compulsory, if only for the priceless image of Clive Palmer walking Tony Abbott down the aisle towards a visibly uncomfortable Bob Katter.
None of these ideas will sway the result come election polling, Labor couldn’t win if it was played Daniel Day Lewis, but it would make the six and a half months until election day a lot more bearable.