Predictions for the Australian federal election

August 9: Despite high media coverage of his plans to clone dinosaurs and rebuild the Titanic, Clive Palmer says he won’t be making anymore policy announcements until he pays his late fines at Civic Video.

blog-federalAugust 12: Broadcast of a Q&A election special is delayed when squeals from Malcolm Turnbull fangirls interfere with the microphones. The program eventually goes ahead but several young ladies have to be revived when Malcolm pops his collar.

August 15: Former Labor MP Craig Thomson hires an expensive QC to successfully defend charges he used a union credit card at a brothel. Thomson celebrates with Champagne, Destiny and Nikki.

August 18: When yet another Katter’s Australia Party candidate makes a homophobic remark, leader Bob Katter denies his organisation is obsessed with homosexuality. “We simply want the powerful gay lobby to stop forcing their turgid agenda down our throat.”

August 21: As part of the coalition’s asylum seeker policy Scott Morrison proposes excising the Torres Strait from Australia’s migration zone and the lyrics “For those who come across the sea, we’ve boundless plains to share” from the national anthem.

August 25: Latest figures show unemployment has risen as more companies lay off workers. Those made redundant include mining engineers, auto workers and comedians trying to satirise Barnaby Joyce.

August 27: The Devil himself arrives in Canberra to claim Kevin Rudd’s soul as payment for returning him to the Lodge. The infernal, duplicitous fiend says “Not now Satan, I’ve got to zip”.

August 30: The Australian Electoral Commission is forced to reprint thousands of ballot papers for the seat of Flinders after an unfortunate typographical mix up involving independent candidate Ted Cutler and Liberal incumbent Greg Hunt.

September 3: A Newspoll reveals the electorate’s main priorities are a strong economy, action on climate change, more police and nurses, cheaper childcare, a high speed broadband network, more public transport, better roads and lower taxes.

September 7: The ABC’s election night coverage reaches a thrilling climax when Antony Green emerges from his burrow and sees a shadow, ushering in three more years of ALP government.

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