Australian TV in 2014: Get ready for the Joe Dolce Story

A new year in television brings with it plenty of questions for viewers and executives alike.

Who survived the Summer Bay bombing? Has Australia still got talent? Why on earth did Colin Friels agree to be in that Schapelle telemovie? Wonder no more dear reader. Thanks to a time machine discovered in the long-abandoned offices of Beyond 2000Daily Review is able to reveal the highs and lows of our small screens in 2014 …

January 14: Cricket commentator Ian Chappell gives Channel Nine an ultimatum. “If you want someone to call the game then pick me but if you want someone to cross promote your shows then get one of those fucking House Husbands.” Gyton Grantley makes his commentary box debut the following week.

February 17: A visiting HBO executive emails various Australian TV producers seeking to get in contact with the “hilarious political satirist” he saw on TV the night before. He is eventually informed that was a Sky News broadcast of parliamentary question time involving Clive Palmer.

March 13: Falling advertising revenues prompt a round of cost-cutting measures for Ten’s ailing breakfast program Wake Up. On the chopping block are EP Adam Boland’s fully automatic coffee machine, James Mathison’s dedicated eyelash stylist and the extra “r” in Natarsha Belling

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Predictions for the Australian federal election

August 9: Despite high media coverage of his plans to clone dinosaurs and rebuild the Titanic, Clive Palmer says he won’t be making anymore policy announcements until he pays his late fines at Civic Video.

blog-federalAugust 12: Broadcast of a Q&A election special is delayed when squeals from Malcolm Turnbull fangirls interfere with the microphones. The program eventually goes ahead but several young ladies have to be revived when Malcolm pops his collar.

August 15: Former Labor MP Craig Thomson hires an expensive QC to successfully defend charges he used a union credit card at a brothel. Thomson celebrates with Champagne, Destiny and Nikki. Continue reading

Now is the time for all crazy men . . .

Source: Australian Broadcasting Corporation

Less than a year ago I wrote the ALP’s only chance of winning the election hinged on an Arthurian comeback by Kim Beazley.

Since then the situation has got much, much worse. It would take Curtin rising from the grave to run on a joint ticket with a mechanically augmented Whitlam to just maintain the seats the ALP currently hold.

To be fair, the government has been dealing with the grief of certain defeat tolerably well. Continue reading

2012 Australian Halloween costumes

Alan Jones: Bald skullcap, mouthful of bile, citation for public indecency.

Clive Palmer: XXXL suit, pillow, various cardboard speech bubbles with half though-out ideas (Let’s rebuild the Titanic, I’m going to run for Parliament, soccer is for girls etc).

Peter Slipper: Robe, bow tie, mobile phone, shell-less mussels.

Anthony Mundine: Boxing trunks, oversize prosthetic mouth, Dulux colour chart to determine who is and isn’t an Aboriginal (Recycled from last year’s Andrew Bolt costume).

Australian Olympian: Green and gold tracksuit, silver medal, petulant expression.

Unemployed newspaper journalist: Dirty clothes, three-day growth, sign reading “Will rehash press releases for food”.